Just forget the words and sing along

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Well, folks, looks like the laptop has died again. I've been doing the little trick the Future Shop tech boys taught me to fix it myself, but it's just not working. Looks like I'll be going back again to bust some heads. But I'm not too distressed this time. This time, I backed up everything before it fried! So, at long last, you'll get to read some of those wonderful columns that were previously stranded on my hard drive! One, such as tonight's! It's one of my favourte true adventures from my travels in Japan. It's entitled How to Acheive Enlightenment and Impress Girls, and here's a quick sample:

"Now, being the 25-year old virgin that I was, I didn’t know much about women. But one thing I did learn was that you shouldn’t say “No” to one three times in a row. And besides, nothing motivates a man more than when a woman looks him over and says, “Oh, you can’t do it.” Akiko wasn’t saying it, but she had the look. So, I had developed a strategy, and felt the need to impress a woman who I had said “No” to far too many times. I stood up and got a grin on my face. I dramatically unzipped my jacket and thrust out my chest, something that would’ve looked really stupid if not for the fact I was wearing my Nightwing T-shirt. You can only get away with this move when wearing some kind of superhero logo, or if you have rock hard abs. I politely asked Akiko to hold my coat and hat. I was going in!"

Click here to read it all!

And, I said I was going to do this tonight, so let's do it.

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers issue 1:
The recently founded terrorist organization known as Corba needs weapons. They purchase some information from the renowned weapons dealer Destro regarding the whereabouts of a cave. This cave contains a downed spacecraft, carrying all maner of alien technology. As Cobra Commander and his legions enter this spacecraft, and they find hundreds of giant robots. One of them (who we, the audience, recognize as Megatron) manages to utter the words, "I still function." Cobra Commander orders the giant robots rounded up, and the cave resealed.

A few months later. There's a summit on Captiol Hill. The protesters are gathering. The military is called in to do security. They are led by Col. Clayton Abernathy (Hawk to you and me) and some of the finest soldiers in the US armed forces. The protest is going peacefully enough when suddenly, out of nowhere, these futuristic-looking tanks (Cobra HISS tanks) appear and attack! Cobra is making their presence known! The military leaps into action! They protect the protesters and open fire on these strange weapons of war. But...they are different. They don't behave like any known vehicle, and the firepower is so great! Cobra Commander leads from his Cobra Blackbird (really Starscream), while Megatron, trapped in gun mode and strapped to Cobra Commander's side, cautions Cobra Commander about what he is doing. Cobra Commander ignores Megatron's warning and gives the order to activate the Battle Android Troopers. At this command, the tanks and planes transform into some familiar looking robots, and they begin to lay waste to Washington. But, Cobra has trouble controlling one of their robots: a large, red one who will not attack the humans. (We recognize him as Optimus Prime.) The soldier nicknamed Snake Eyes leaps atop a tank to be taken to the front lines, only to have Starscream attack this tank and leave Snake Eyes horribly scarred. When Cobra wreaks enough damage, making their presence known, they retreat.

After the attack, General Flagg brings together some of his finest soldiers: Col. Abernathy, who led the defense of Captiol Hill, intelligence operative Alison Burnett (Lady Jaye to you and me), who's been following Cobra since their inception, and officer Dashielle Fairborn (Flint), who's the army's premiere special tactics officer. They are to head up a US Military task force dedicate to taking down Cobra and their giant robots. The code name of this task force: G.I. Joe.

Issue 2:
Back on Cobra Island, Cobra Commander applauds his troops recent string of victories, but Megatron still taunts. They are running low on energon, and humans don't know how to manufacture it. As they confer, Dr. Mindbender and his army of Techno-Vipers pick apart Optimus Prime, trying to bring him under control.

Meanwhile, G.I. Joe is forming nicely. Hawk just asked Snake Eyes to join the team, figuring Snake Eyes would be hungry for a little payback. Turns out Cobra killed his family, who had come to Capitol Hill to visit their favourite son.

And finally, we meet up with Bumblebee and Wheeljack. Some how (not explained yet) they managed to escape before being brought under Cobra control, and are now hiding in their vehicle modes, plotting how to free their friends.

We return to Cobra Island. Dr. Mindbender is still trying to hack into Optimus Prime. He begins downloading files from Optimus Prime onto Cobra's network, when suddenly, the computer becomes unresponsive! The Cobra techs figure they've picked up a virus from Optimus! Reluctantly, Mindbender gives the order to cut power and stop the download, but not before something escapes from Optimus Prime and makes it to the Internet; something that is brought to the attention of a NSA computer analyst nicknamed Mainframre....

Back in the Pit, G.I. Joe is practicing their skills, waiting for their orders, when General Flagg comes in with "their new best friend," a Cobra defector named Mercer. Mercer fills them in on these alien robots, the location of the alien spacecraft, and where Cobra will strike next.

We end on Cobra Island. Destro comes to see what Cobra's made of the info he sold them. He is impressed, but points out that they are still weak. They still need a control station to control the robots in battle. Dr. Mindbender says that this is no problem, as they've now modified one of the robots to serve as the control station. This robot's name: Soundwave.

Issue 3:
Destro's tour of Cobra Island continues. By reverse-engineering some of the alien technology, they've developed battle drones called SNAKEs. Destro is impressed, and insists that, in Cobra's next strike, he pilots Soundwave. Cobra Commander reluctantly agrees.

Back in the Pit, G.I. Joe has learned of Cobra's next target. There's an experimental alternate power source called the SPS, which harnesses solar energry. The Pentagon figures that, with it, Cobra could power their "Transformers" indefinitly. It's confirmed as Destro, piloting Soundwave, attacks the SPS facility. While Soundwave and his drones (the cassettes) attack, two of Destro's operatvies, Firefly and Zartan, use some of the alien cloaking technology to go in undetected. But, G.I. Joe was there, waiting for Cobra, and the battle rages. Just when it looks like Cobra is winning, Bumblebee and Wheeljack show up to help out the Joes.

Meanwhile, in the SPS facility, Zartan, Firefly and Ravage undergo the true objective: steal the SPS contol module. Zartan gets the module, Firefly rigs the place to explode, and Ravage begins tearing strips out of Mutt and Quick Kick. When Zartan gets the module, Destro orders the retreat. But, Firefly's bombs go off, critically wounding Mutt and Quick Kick.

Back at the Pit, G.I. Joe returns - with Bumblebee and Wheeljack. The Joes still don't trust these giant robots, but reluctantly let them in. Given the circumstances, the Joes show Bumblebee and Wheeljack the mysterious signal that was sent out over the Internet. Wheeljack recognizes it right away. It's a coded message from Optiums Prime. It gives the location of Cobra Island, and instructions on how to hack into the Cobra system that's controlling the Transformers. Taking the initiative, Wheeljack plugs himself into G.I. Joe's computer, and begins doing some reprograming to the Cobra system

On Cobra Island, panic ensues as the Transformers are freed and turn against Cobra.

My thoughts so far: This mini-series is a real labour of geek love, the way various Joes and Transformers keep slipping in in unexpected, yet appropriate, places. By the way, this is the first comic book I've religiously purchased since I was deep into Ninja Turtle 12 years ago.

Next Issue...Optimus Prime vs. Megatron (Hey, I'm not making that up. Those are the final words of Issue 3)

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