Once upon a time, not long ago, in the mystical, far away land of Seba Beach School, there was a little boy. He was a quiet, studious sort, who never really figured out how to socialize. He'd spend his lunch hours in the library, quietly reading, or in the science lab, where the science teacher would let him fire up the TV used for presentations and watch The Flintstones.
Also, there was a princess, who was the angriest person in the land. She rarely smiled, and only spoke in insults. When she did smile, it was because she had just made a cruel joke at someone's expense. Not even the boy, who worked hard to keep to himself, was spared from her wrath. Her default insult for the boy was "the pig," as he did well in his classes, and therefore was "hogging" all the good grades to himself. To her, good grades were a commodity that teachers handed out in small amounts, and truly "the pig" had more than his fair share.
But, if there was one thing the princess loved, it was dolphins. Her eyes lit up when she spoke of those majestic creatures of the sea. She occasionally had books on marine biology hidden between issues of Cosmo and YM, and did let slip once in a while her goal of becoming a marine biologist.
One day, in a math class, the teacher was returning the latest exam. As always, the boy had done very well on it. As always, the princess had not. She glanced over the boy's shoulder, saw his high grade, and muttered, "You're such a pig."
But something different happened that day. The quiet boy was not quiet. Instead, he decided to say something. In one of those quiet lunch hours in the library, he had learned some new knowledge, and decided to share it with the princess.
"You know," he said. "Some new studies show that pigs actually have higher intelligence than dolphins." He narrowed his eyes to best steely gaze he could muster. "Better a pig than a dolphin any day."
A look of horror flashed across the face of the princess. This was, quite frankly, the worst thing anyone could have said to her. She gasped in astonishment at what was said, and stormed out of the classroom.
It was the only time the boy ever stood up to the princess.
They skirmished a few more times before high school was done, most notably when the princess led the charge to have the boy banned from graduation ceremonies. She did achieve her dream of having a graduation ceremony without the boy, though, as she failed to get enough credits and had to graduate a year after the boy.
Time marched on, and this tale soon faded away, as most acts of high school bullying eventually do. The boy is doing pretty good for himself. The boy has no idea what the princess is up to, but hopes she finally let go of that anger and learned to be happy.
"OK, cut this crap, Cappis," you're probably saying right now. "Obviously, you're the boy and this princes is some chick who spoke smack about you back in high school. Be a man and get over it already!" Well, for the most part, I am over it, but I was reminded of it the other day as I was surfing ye olde Internet.
Thanks to this legal kerfuffle that's currently making headlines, I have finally discovered the web comic The Oatmeal. And while I was perusing the archives, I stumbled across two very awesome comics that helped to make the boy's argument all those years ago.
So if you have a moment, I ask you to check out these two comics:
5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Face
5 Reasons Pigs Are More Awesome Than You
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